Why? Am I cursed not to do the thing I want the most? Arts is my field, I can sense it. Numbers, who needs them? Balancing? It only corrupts. But art, art is pure. It shows the emotions raging from within an individual's heart. It shows one's hidden desires. Such a pure energy that cannot be corrupted, only suppressed. Balancing and numbers are almost always influenced by their client's wants. Clients desire to be the best--be the best corporation, be the best partnership... Always wanting to be the best. And it is so laughable that students state that their wills shall not be corrupted. Hypocrites. The purity of their words is tainted by the stain of reality. But in art, all is done with the intent of one's satisfaction. Call us selfish bastards but aren't we all? But such is the lesser evil. I never wanted to deal with numbers. In fact, it was the one thing I had wished to love the most in college. We get to choose what subjects we take. I had thought that after ten years of dealing with useless numbers, I could finally be able to free myself from the rusted chains that bind. But I guess even that is too much to ask for. Perhaps the fact that I passed the Accountancy program during my first year really was nothing more than a curse. Perhaps I even already knew that it was indeed a curse. But no, I chose to acknowledge it as a blessing. Now I'm getting buried in a field of numbers. I really cannot see myself doing anything like this in the future. People say I'm free but I can't feel this sensation. Perhaps I am too reliant on guidance and that is why I can never decide anything by myself. I have lived a sheltered life and try as I may, I think I know that deep inside, I can never really be free. I shall always doubt my own decisions no mater what. I shall always wander back to the protective shadow of guidance no matter how much I wish to stand on my own two feet. I can never move on. Not now. Not ever. For this is who I am. This is how I have been founded. This is my reality. Welcome to my life.
Words written during rising emotions are always so odd. Now that I've read through it again after anger had passed, I find it quite amusing. Oh well. I guess I'll still post it for the record.
Until next entry.
Current Mood: 
tired